Loneliness

Hey,

Rosie’s been away into Japan for three days so far. Sounds like she’s having a great time!

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I’m struggling a bit with the hour difference. Japan is 8hrs ahead of the UK. By 3pm in the UK she’s pretty much in bed and asleep. I’m used to our evening phone calls before bed. Knowing that she wont be there to reply to my messages and send me more of her photos until I’m up the following morning, it makes me feel quite isolated and lonely. There’s too much time and too much to try and catch up with! It has surprised me, I thought I would deal with it better. I’m going to blame it slightly on the exams coming up and say I’m just more anxious and worried than normal… ish.

I was quite a lonely kid growing up. Not bullied and not without friends at all but I always felt different to those Ii knew, how ever much I loved them. I never really found anyone that I really connected with or even just a decent amount in common with. When Rosie’s away I realise how I haven’t felt that kind of loneliness really since we met, over 2 years ago now. I remember going to sleep at night and that feeling of an empty heart and the feeling that no one around you really understands or ‘gets’ you. I remember it really upsetting me at times. And I remember that feeling all through growing up. And I think that’s why Rosie means so much to me, though it’s difficult to explain it.

It was little things when I was younger. I was naturally quite a nerdy kid but one totally desperate to fit in and I actually found myself among the ‘cool’ kids for the first couple of years in secondary school. But I remember feeling (but not understanding it at the time) pretty unsatisfied and unhappy hanging around with those people and feeling like a bit of a fraud just going along with what others wanted and not really saying anything. I played up a lot around that point too, was regularly in trouble for being a nuisance and a distraction in class. I think I wanted to be liked.

When I decided that I wanted to be a vet, It really tuned things around for me. I was motivated and I needed to make time for myself for my grades to be better. I found myself leaning and wanting to sit closer to the quieter students. They in time (begrudgingly) became my friends.

Then A-levels in a way were better. I had a nice bunch of friends who were motivated and opinionated and liked reading and being nerdy. I can remember enjoying spending time during the break and lunch with them. But we never had enough really in common  to spend any time out of school with them. Or it was always complicated for  some reason. There was an obstacle. But they were a nice bunch. I’ve lost a lot of contact with them since going to university. Mostly my fault.

University was a bit disappointing in many ways. It wasn’t how I expected it to be Thought there would be more like-minded people. Naively thought everyone would be in it for the same reason and everyone would be out to save the world and make amazing discoveries haha.  Not quite. But I have made a great bunch of friends that I’m likely to stay in touch with for the future.

There’s a bit of controversy about the Myers-Briggs personality test. For me, It explained a lot. Although i don’t understand the science behind it and it can be used in ridiculous ways it does help one come to terms with different personalities and why there are different reactions to the same situations. So i’m apparently an INFJ. They are supposedly one of the more extroverted introverts. And even that helps me understand why I’m not great around louder extroverted people for a long amount of time. Because although i’m happy to chat to them and have a good time I feel uncomfortable explaining that I’d now like my own space for a bit. An INFJ is a character that is just a bit of everything and so isn’t quite much of anything.

https://introvertdear.com/ This is a beautiful website for introverts.

loneliness BibleI was going to use this image as my featured image. I can remember myself thinking this to myself some nights in bed when I let my mind wander. But not in a religious way, more an exasperation.

I’m pretty certain loneliness played a part in the depression I felt as an older teenager. There were other factors certainly but I think it has the power to overwhelm you and really decapitate you when you don’t expect it. I wasn’t confident in myself, I was hesitant to say things and give my opinion. (I was also pretty shy) but even among-st friends. When you’re the only one rooting for yourself it gets tough and I definitely doubted myself more.

And although I miss Rosie a little bit now, I know I mostly just wish I was there with her. I don’t feel lonely in the same way. Because in meeting Rosie It told me that actually I’m not an odd one out I had just been unfortunate to not meet people on my wavelength. It’s given me confidence that I don’t think I can quite appreciate. But to know there is someone out there that will likely back you in what you do and be a subtle cheerleader as you go along has changed me in so many ways. And I don’t think Rosie has seen the change in me, because I think it happened pretty much as soon as I met her.

I look back now and I think it must have been a matter of time before I did come across a group of people/ or one person that I got along with. I find it so weird to think I might not have met Rosie though. I don’t know where I would be if I hadn’t. If one of us hadn’t of swiped right 😉 And I’m sure I’ll meet others that I click with at some point. I’m also lucky I fell in love with Rosie too. Shooting two birds with one stone and all that. haha.

Loneliness is a horrible horrible situation to be in. It should never be taken lightly. And equally it’s so common too! I know when I went away to Scotland, Rosie really struggled for the first couple of weeks and I totally understand it now. I was so distracted by the vet practice I didn’t give her the normal kind of attention and time. It’s similar now. But I’m reminding myself it’s only because the internet connection is pretty crappy and she’s having a good time. You’d think you’d get used to be apart! Though being apart is okay, it’s the separating that’s the hardest bit.

I really feel and want to support the charities that help older people who have lost their loved ones and are lonely. And for those that are lonely, apart from getting yourself out there and giving yourself every opportunity to find people you can connect with i can’t think of much else to suggest! I also think, it’s very very easy to take for granted those you do have around you. They probably aren’t perfect and may do your nut in some of the time but if they have your interests in their interests that’s a good start! Xx

My plants! They’re starting to grow!

The lettuce and the Marigolds have ‘hatched’ from their little seeds and are great! Yay, nawww. I’m feeling very proud and excited xD

Rebecca x

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Developments.

Hey!

It’s late o’clock and I’m up and writing because I have been reading other blogs about India and I’m very excited. My flights are all booked for summer, accommodation sorted and the rest is in progress! I have been offered a great job and I feel like things are just getting started!

I can’t say I have been up to much. Exam season is starting and so even now I feel guilty writing this rather than studying. Meh, you gotta live!

I feel like my wanderlust has returned. It’s been in hiding for the past while because of all the terrible things happening in the world.

I discovered a number of Indian travel writers and have been reading about their journeys in India and elsewhere. It was interesting reading about experiences in the UK and great to get a more local opinion on areas in India.

http://www.shalusharma.com/10-books-to-read-before-travelling-to-india/

https://www.inditales.com/street-food-in-jaipur/

https://the-shooting-star.com/travels/india/

https://lakshmisharath.com/

http://www.arnabmaity.com/

I have an exam in about a week and a half. It’s a practical exam and there isn’t a huge amount I can do between now and then. So I’m working on mostly theory. However having had so much time on my feet in veterinary practices it’s v hard getting back into just book work and then also taking it all in. But we’re getting there.

After that, my written exams are in June. I have some extra lectures in between the two exams too.

I was offered a job at the first placement I did in this block of placements. I really enjoyed my time there and I sent my CV to one of the partners of the practice indicating my interest. I really advocate this kind of putting yourself forward. I wouldn’t have dreamt of such a thing not too long ago. But you can put yourself forward without being or coming across arrogant. A couple of weeks later once there was time for a discussion between partners I was offered the job! I was and am so excited.

I have since not signed anything as everything is being rewritten. It is now not exactly the job I thought it was going to be. I started off thinking I would be working with both large and pet animals. Taking this job means I’ll just be doing small (pretty much). I have done a lot of soul searching and I’m still trying to be as open as possible. But I think I have a gut feeling what the best thing for me is.

So we will see. But it’s v exciting.

If i take the job it’s a set in a beautiful part of Scotland. And for all the greatness of England, Scotland just does some things so much better and I love the idea of living there for some time.

India! I am booked for a month at a spay and neuter clinic in Jaipur and then Rosie is going to join me for a tourist spectacular 12 days around the golden triangle. It was a pretty difficult decision in the sense that I like to do things other than the just straight touristy stuff but I think for our first trip to India this makes most sense. And I’ll get to live amongst the locals in Jaipur for a month anyway! I never really appreciated how vast India is. One naively assumes that the golden triangle must give a good taste of India, when actually it doesn’t touch the surface. It’s exciting, but i definitely have the sense of want to see more and do everything. But of course, just means we’ll have to go back.

 

Yours excitedly,

Rebecca x

 

 

Looking back.

It’s scary how two months have gone since my last blog post. My initial thoughts were that It has just been an empty kind of two months. It has felt like I’ve just been eating, working and sleeping. The eating and sleeping bits have been great! But I haven’t enjoyed them as much as I could have because of the working bit.

I don’t have much to complain about, I’m just being worked hard at the moment. I want more freedom, I want to know what the day is going to bring and when I will be able to go home. I’m quite fed up of being a student and I’d like a job and to stay in one place for more than two weeks is a dream at the moment. It feels like i’m tip-toeing around trying to please everyone and even pander to their whims just to pass each week. I just can’t be arsed anymore. I feel like maybe I don’t need to prove myself anymore. It’s a nice feeling in a way.

But here are some of the good things I’ve been up to in the past two months!

Dorset

I spent a month around Dorset on some farm placements. I explored Chesil beach before spending the weekend with Rosie and her family. We visited the beautiful Sherborne Castle.

I spent two weeks with two other vet students in Shitterton. It was really nice to get to know the two of them. It was a hard two weeks with tons of work to do but we still managed to have fun and visit a couple of pubs while we were there.

I have also discovered Huel, a meal replacement type thing. It’s now what I have for lunch. It is vegan and supposed to have all the dietary requirements needed. I’m usually and was at first against the idea of it. But actually I bought it in the end to make it easier to travel and not to have to worry about lunch, to be able to monitor how much i’m eating better and i think really, i just wanted some control over what I was eating and in my life in general! It has been a blessing regards lunched. Just three scoops and add some water and i’m good to go. I don’t have to get up early or make sure I get to a shop or buy anything. Just that extra thing to not worry about. Possibly lazy, but I’ll take it.

Utrecht

I visited Utrecht university for another farm placement. It was a very long and tiring and sometimes hard two weeks. But it was fantastic getting to spend a decent amount of time in one European city. It was great to get to know a place. We cycled into the campus every morning and evening and checked out a decent number of pubs.. again.

I love stroopwafels! Ah!

Rosie even managed to come and visit at the weekend and we rented a gorgeously cute little apartment looking over one of the canals. It was lovely. We all checked out the gay bars one night forgetting how bad we are at drinking these days.

We did all the touristy classics going up the tower and going on a boat trip.

 

London

But I was glad to finally get home and chill with the Doggo!

I’m working in central london for three weeks and got to stay with Rosie for nearly two of them which was great fun! One Tuesday evening we bought tickets to a book talk with Ali Smith at Foyles. We’re both big fans of her work and just her in general. She is so grounded and fair and honest and sees the world in such an incredible way.

One evening we watched a documentary about an anorexia clinic in London. Rosie knew of someone who had been into one. It was a hard documentary to watch. But a very thought provoking one. I have had some issues in the past that could have been a lot lot worse and I watched the people in the clinic and wondered why I seemed able to avoid getting as low as they were. Why i seem able to get by by knowing my signs and managing them yet others can’t and suffer so much more.  This will have to be another blog sometime in the future. It just made us think about personality types and how difficult, demanding, intimidating and out of control our world is at the moment.

Glasgow

Rosie went to Glasgow while I still had work in London. She went up for a concert on Saturday evening. I joined her on Friday evening and we had some of the weekend to chill and explore Glasgow together. Rosie knows the place a little from previous work but i had never been. It was a beautiful weekend which probably made it even better, but I loved Glasgow. It has some amazing places and spaces, parks and museums, shops and resturants. We got a hostel looking over a park and it was beautiful. Crisp air with everyone walking around in scarves, lots of doggies, we could see ourselves living there. Maybe one day!

On the evening of the concert we met up just before to grab some dinner. We went to a Southern India restaurant which was delish! Never eaten Southern before, we tried different chapatis and a lamb curry and it was so yum!

I was a bit of a soppy git and bought Rosie some roses and a keyring with out photo on it before the concert. It was a big deal for her and I could tell she was quite nervous. But she was fantastic and pleased with how it went. She definitely underestimates how good she is, but I feel like most people do when they’re trying to get somewhere. It’s hard to know what people expect and want and are looking for… in many careers i think.

After the concert we checked out a couple of gay bars and got ridiculously tipsy and giddy and no drinks whatsoever (cheap dates) and headed back picking up some  Belgian fries on the way home 😛 nommm

In the morning we checked out one of the restaurants Rosie has been too for breakfast and I had a full English which was FULL ON.

Glasgow

London

Back to London. I Stayed at Rosie’s for a couple more days and we had dinner with some of her friends and made mince pies one evening! We were both doing different hours to each other so often we didn’t have much time in the mornings or evenings but I love spending an hour or two just chilling with her or even just talking about our day in bed before one of us falls asleep first.

I’ve got into crosswords and puzzles again, first time since I was a kid! The guys in my placement group have been picking up the newspaper on the train and we’ve been working on them during lunch. It made me want to go back home and finish them with Rosie. We spent a good couple of evenings working on them. We are rubbishly awful at the cryptic ones though!

I had the first Amnesty talk this week too! It wasn’t very well attended but it was really interesting to hear more about what Amnesty does and make some connections. I feel like our group can only get better and stronger as it’s only early days yet. It’s just a shame that I’m not on campus very often and so it is difficult to meet up regularly or get bits done.

Rosie has gone back up to Scotland for more work so I’m currently staying with my grandparents who live in central London too. I’m so lucky to have family in London.

I went to watch Young Marx last night at the Bridge theatre. It is supposed to be one of, if not the newest theatre in London. It was great, a fantastic theatre with leather seats. Different. Doesn’t have the same detail architecture that the older theatres have. But a nice big stage!. The play was great, really funny, definitely recommend. I got a £15 ticket and it was definitely worth it and I could see most of the stage, all of the action anyway!.

The story outline kind of annoyed me though. Marx in the play was an absolute arsehole that used and was awful to his friends, family and supporters and yet he got away with it because he was a genius. I don’t know. Just rung of ‘boys will be boys’ and that’s rubbish. It was funny and lighthearted but not a great message. There was remorse at the end of course. And it was a comedy but just a bit samey really.

You can see a photo of one of the cuties that I helped look after while being in London. It has reminded me of how much I enjoy small animal work. I really do enjoy both small and farm. And I wonder whether I could just do small animal. It would be quite a lot easier than finding somewhere that has both. Would I regret only going into one and not the other though?

 

So yeah! Actually really an amazing couple of months! Haha! I really don’t have anything to complain about. Just haven’t had a massive amount of time to myself to be able to write a blog I guess! I have basically been working and then chilling to recoup for the following day.

Na, yeah I have nothing to complain about in life.

I do feel used by my university and I am fed up of being a student but diddums! I’ll suck it up and keep going. There isn’t really a huge amount left!

Glad I have written this blog. Need to remind myself actually how great things are for me. You so easily get absorbed into the problems of you’re own life and forget how easy you actually have it.

Write again, sooner next time.

Rebecca x

Change and ‘The Power’

I’ve been feeling pretty rotten over the last couple of days. Had episodes of probably what is vertigo, essentially, dizziness and that run down- bleurgh feeling. Feeling sea-sick as I woke up at 6:45 and as I tried to get out of bed the, ‘why am i doing this?’ question came to me and I got back in and emailed to say I wasn’t coming in. I have spent most of the day reading ‘Power’ by Naomi Alderman. I finished it. And i’m quite confused by how I feel about it.

I’ve had a look at other reviews of the book to get some other insights.

It certainly wasn’t what I was expecting and I gorged on the first 100 pages or so because of how inventive it was . I think as the story developed it did lose some of it’s realistic appeal to me. Yes, the story is pretty fantastical but I feel it wasn’t supposed to be just that.

I really enjoyed the first 100 pages because I really felt a lot of aspects were covered by Alderman. It felt like there was a lot of clear messages to be taken from it. How different people coped and reacted to the changes that happened. I think it wasn’t what I thought because it wasn’t actually as nice and successful as I’d hoped. I think the idea that women are more powerful than men, to me, would mean that greater, fairer things would happen. This wasn’t the case and my naivety has been put to shame!  It isn’t power over another that is successful… Ever. It’s not dominance and submission (oi oi) but being on the same level and this is what this book shows. Too much power in any hands can be a bad thing.

The particularly poignant part in the book is quite early on and it is when women start rioting and cannot be controlled and are feared because of their power. There’s a dialect something like “what do we do?”,  “we kill them.”,  “But we can’t kill all the women in the world”

At this point it very is man vs woman. Which actually is totally pointless because both need each other.

And  it makes you think about other riots and wars. And you think, this is pointless too? We are at war against each other. It’s pointless. It’s power not wanting to be lost. But what are we actually fighting for? Those at the top already, what are they actually defending that’s worth defending anymore? Are we asking to be heard or asking to take over and be in charge?

Most minorities just want to be heard and to have fair treatment. That’s what the women’s marches, the LGBT marches that i’ve been on have been about. They were for me anyway.  How can humans be so anti-eachother? Just seems like such a daft concept when you take a step back and look and what we’re doing now and what we’ve done for ridiculous numbers of years. And for what?

I dunno, all I want is to achieve a couple of things that I’ve always wanted to achieve. Do good where I can and use what I have. Power has never been something I have been after so I wouldn’t know! #simplebutcompletelife 

I lost the flow of the book by the end. I don’t think I quite caught the point of some of the character’s stories, maybe I haven’t digested it well enough yet. I thought the book was very honest and fair. There wasn’t an agenda to the book I think apart from a look into power and where we are at the moment. I think I wanted Alderman to talk more about the injustice in parts of the world but she didn’t go into too much detail. Having read a book recently which I reviewed a lot of the countries talk about – India in particularly the reactions really resonated.

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So I’m moving out this weekend back home for the year. I’m on placements all over the UK and in other countries come next week so I’m pretty much going to be living out my car, Betty.

I’ve been in this little room for two years and It hasn’t dawned on me that I’m saying goodbye to it yet. I was reading and it’s been raining all day and with my cup of tea I saw a photo opportunity. My phone never sees what I see but it got close enough.

I’m half packed. It’s going to take a couple of trips. You can see the magazines i’ve yet to read and leaflets about jobs and careers on the side. You can see flowers that Rosie bought me. They’re probably past their best now but i’m not ready to let them go. There’s a half empty box for packing, my keyboard which was fun to play for the four weeks that it fitted in with my routine. My wooden post from one of the marches I went on. I intend to use it again at some point.. It did have a poster on it..

I do and don’t like the idea that I don’t know where I’ll be in a years time. I think I am naturally a home maker and I do want a home or nest of my own. My own nook. Makes travelling all the more special because you have something special to come back to. 

 I suppose I have just been in so many places that I’m just looking forward to not having too much upheaval for a short time. Until I get bored and a wandering eye ;).. 

Rebecca x 

 

 

 

My completed Plastic Free Month!

This month!

I have to say, this month has been fantastic. I would never have been so strict or researched so much if it wasn’t for doing this for charity. I wouldn’t have felt so bad when I made the mistakes either though! I don’t think food or clothes shopping will be quite the same again. It has been really hard, but would have been boring if it wasn’t! I’ve seen a change in myself and even my friends in what they’re buying too…. and sending me photos of ridiculous packaging.

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I am looking forward to having my spice rack back… but I’m googling where I can get them in bulk/fresh in the future etc.

I have realised that I need a lot more space than the one freezer drawer I have at uni to help not needing packaging. Picking up fresh herbs and freezing them has been fantastic this month and would be great to have more space to freeze more.

I’m still getting used to shampoo and conditioner bars, I’m either using too much or too little and having to deal with the consequences. But it’s a no brainer that I’ll  be sticking with them. Shops like Lush are pretty much all around me so I have no excuse to be going back to liquid forms. They’re also easier to carry with me and are probably (though will need to do more googling)  gentler on the environment too. They aren’t particularly expensive and mine have lasted well over a month so far.

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Above is a photo of my deoderant and toothpaste & brush. I bought them from Boobalou. I really like the deoderant, worked really well for me. And the tin, when finished will come in handy for carrying my conditioner bar when i’m not using it. The toothpaste, i have liked. It took a while to get used to it and my teeth feel clean after it. I am hesitant to use products like this long-term in case they aren’t as good as the standard toothpastes. So i think I’ll do some more homework before re-buying it but i would definitely be happy to otherwise. My bamboo toothbrush is great. Again, it’s soft and took a bit of getting used to but would definitely buy it again. The deodorant and toothpaste i have been using for over a month too… just to show that they have lasted a really decent amount of time.

Washing up liquid. I’m going to trial around. I generally wasn’t very keen or impressed with the homemade washing solution. Left all of my stuff feeling grubby. But it’s definitely worth considering for the benefits. It made me clean my dishes straight away or use the power of boiling water a lot more…. So swings and roundabouts.

I have rediscovered my love for creating and baking my own things. Baking bread and making humus in particular. When they’re created by someone else they will always, to me, be loads nicer, but that could definitely be more of a treat than rather than how regularly i was buying them in before.

As long as I can get to a wholefoods/bulk buy shop I will definitely try to buy dried foods and pulses from there. Really it’s a no brainer again, when I already have containers, why not? It’s just the practicality of getting to the shop. The prices were not bad at all.

Eating out. This is where plastic free becomes impossible really. You have to assume that in a standard restaurant your food would have been packaged in plastic at some point. But arguably perhaps it was packaged in bulk.. So not as bad as buying the ingredients individually if cooking for yourself? I don’t know. But fast food is definitely something I’ll try to keep avoiding though I do have a massive craving for Pret’s herb wrap. If only they could come in paper! But equally, I bet I have saved a fair chunk of money by eating before I head out anywhere or bringing my own lunch. And healthier almost certainly too!

There were impractical things such as pens and highlighters that I really needed this month so I have used them occasionally but also had pencils to hand for when I could use either.

Drinks – I have made the mistake twice of turning away at the wrong moment and my drink been poured into a plastic cup or a straw being put into my drink. Pure, pure accident and so annoying because it was so unnecessary.

Reusable water bottles. Easy! Definitely worth it. Bring one around with me all the time now.

Medicines. – I doubt I can get around buying ibuprofen / anti-histamines differently. But certainly some come in less packaging than others so maybe it’s compromising and finding what does the least damage.

Clothes – I was able to get shoes without plastic in the end! Excellent. Its just the little tags you get in clothes. I read an article (link below) about the problems with polyester clothes. Subtly terrifying!
I think what I have learned is that actually stripping back and being able to only use the bare basics can be really liberating. It’s been quite fun thinking of alternatives.

It’s been so much simpler to basically say..

“well this is what I have, so this is all I can do”

and so rather than getting everything I want I have to make the best of what I have.

Not wearing make up has been easier than I thought. Not that I really wear a huge amount anyway. But any time that I need to look reasonably presentable I would normally wear something. I have missed it in a way but definitely something I’ll use less often… To make the occasion.

So what I’ve taken from this month is that it’s almost impossible to be totally plastic free unless you’re totally self-sufficient.. BUT, you can do so much to reduce what you do use! It’s just a simple seconds thought to look around in a shop and think what else I could use instead? Or if I could make this myself etc.

I want to say a big thank you to everyone who has donated this month, all the money will go to HIS-India and I am planning to do more things this year to raise a little bit more. And I want to thank everyone for their support and not finding it all too weird!

Below are some articles that I found throughout the month that I found to be worth a share

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-40498292

https://www.theguardian.com/environment/commentisfree/2017/jul/07/plastic-free-july-cutting-down-single-use-plastics-is-easier-than-it-seems?CMP=share_btn_fb

A lot of people end their ‘giving up for charity’ month with a selfie of them having a drink, or eating the chocolate they had given up. I don’t think it’s quite appropriate in my case!

I know it’s going to be difficult without the encouragement to not just buy everything in plastic again, especially when time is short or i haven’t had to chance to get organized. But I hope i keep it up from now on and remember the impact it has and why I did it in the first place.

Definitely recommend giving this challenge a go!

Thank you,

Rebecca x


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To the older me 

Rebecca,

Lots of aspects of your life will change in the next few years. You have no idea what you will see, do and where you will end up. But the way you think now feels right and fair but still you have so much to learn and figure out.

Remember that you will never be able to second guess someone else’s story. Before you go to judge and put them into one your ingrained default stereotypes talk to them, learn about them. Realise how similar and different you are.

Remember where you grew up and what you saw. Remember the people you met and the situation.

At the end of each month, ask yourself if you’ve helped anyone, volunteered or donated your time or skills or donated money. If not, why?

Remember how you still want to change the world and still think it’s possible. Remember that you can still be settled and curious and explorative. Remember that if you are not happy with something you can change it.

Remember that you can’t just look out for yourself, you need to be able to see the bigger picture. Not everyone is in your position. Remember to practise being in other people’s shoes.

Remember that the world is not finite and that you simply can’t have everything you want. Compromise is good and healthy.

Remember to do the things you love and inspire it in others. Remember that you don’t have to be pushy or competitive. Grow at your own pace and don’t over do it. Take breaks and analyse.

Remember to be the best person you can be, because then your time will never be wasted.

Rebecca x